I'm gonna find my purpose

I've been trying to get back into blogging lately. I've literally pulled up this screen several times and thought to myself, "Okay! HERE WE GO! BLOG TIME!" I even sort of had this tune in my head. It goes like this: "Bloggin again, back on the prowl." Instead of, "Single again, back on the prowl," inspired by this song.


But then I just sit here and stare at all the white space. What should I blog about? I tried looking at other blogs to find inspiration. I tried reading current events to try and think about my opinions and if they speak to any greater issues I'd like to address. I think about blogging about my day or catching people up or treating it like an email to someone I haven't talked to in two years but I find that nothing comes out. Makes me think.

What do I want to say to people? Do I have anything to say?

I guess the nature of blogging is pretty narcisstic when you boil it down. What makes me think people want to read my thoughts? Especially if I don't have a targeted audience. What makes me an authority on anything? Should that even matter? Why am I even writing this?

I still don't have an answer to that. I guess I'm not very willing to share the details of my life with people on the internet but perhaps that will change one day. I guess until then it'll just be about my thoughts. That wasn't very conclusive. I just love blogs and the internet so it makes sense I should have one. As mentioned in previous posts, I've had one since I was about 14. So I guess I'll keep it. Blogging along. Trying to find some clarity. Or purpose. What is purpose? It's that little flame,that lights a fire under your ass.

I'm gonna find it!

Friday Five

Five Things I am Thankful for this Friday

1. I love it when I don't have to wait for the walk sign to light up. As in, I think I'm going to have to wait AND THEN right as my feet are about to bring the rest of me to a halt, the light changes in pace with my walk and my feet just rev right back up again.

2. My Mama. I love her. I miss her. Yesterday she told me she just got a really good feeling about me. I believe in really good feelings. Also really bad ones. But I'm glad this one was a good one. She is President of the Emily Fan Club.

3. Leftover Halloween Candy. I am only 1/2 thankful for this really. Right now I am happy to have it. But someone should probably take it away from me. Soon. Also it reminds me of being a kid and eating all the good candy first and then all the tootsie rolls are left at the end. Also I used to steal my brother's candy sometimes and replace it with my crappy candy. Confession.


4. The knowledge that tomorrow morning I don't have to be anyyyyyywhere! Sleep, Sleep, I love you best mid-morninggggg time.

5. Old friends. Thanks for reminding me of who I was and who I'm going to be. And for telling me I'm pretty.



k bye.

I like what I like

When it comes to things like food, I find it's better to stick with what you know. For example, from the time I could order my own food until about two years ago, I got chicken fingers at pretty much every restaurant I went to. I like it. Chicken fingers are pretty much the same everywhere. I know I won't order them and be disappointed. Sometimes the sauces that these establishments boast of are very disappointing, but that's really another story. Now I'm a vegetarian and I get a veggie (btw, I hate the word "veggie") burger everywhere I go. Also another story.

Same theory pretty much applies to shoes. I like what I like. Which is mainly sandals, because otherwise my feet feel claustrophobic. If I can't wiggle my toes around, I get a little crazy. I may not let on, but on the inside I'm like AHHHHHHHHH THIS IS MAKING ME FEEL SO TRAPPPPPPED. No one really knows this, because I just have a lot of self-control. So far. I don't particularly like heels, except to try on for a few minutes and strut around in (with a crown on, duh). I can also tolerate heels if I'm going to an event that is primarily sitting down. Otherwise, no thank you. I also never learned to dance (well, dance how I like to dance) wearing heels, so I think that's a pretty big restriction to put on yourself. Who knows when you need to dance? Or wiggle your toes?

But now that I live in a not Florida place, my footwear is changing. Not so much by choice...but when the weather changes, so do your shoes. I recently purchased my second pair of boots EVER (not including rainboots) and I really like them so far! I can wiggle in them. And they are comfortable. Also, California does what I like to call the leggings and anything combo, and boots happen to complement that rather well.

You likesies? I likesies. I get lots of compliments on them and 1.) They’re not real leather, which I am actually trying to avoid as  I don’t like the idea of wearing skin that belonged elsewhere once, and 2.) As a result, they were very cheap!

Cool. So now I have some bootskies, which is really fun and new for me. I feel like I’m gonna go prance off like a little english riding horse when I wear them. (Weird I feel like the horse, and not the actual person riding the horse, which I think is the style these boots are trying to imitate. Whatever. You can’t question impulse. At least they’re not made from horse skin.)

So ANYWAY, now that I am satisfied with my boots that don’t make me want to rip off my footwear, I focused on finding some flats I L-O-V-E. Because in my opinion, you have to L-O-V-E your shoes! They’re like an extension of your body. Love yourself, Love your shoes. But the thing is, I already have flats I love. I love them. I lovelove them. They are the most comfortable things I have ever worn. And they make me feel like a ballerina to the extent that I actually practice ballet in them. Or rather, what I think ballet is, which may or may not be close to the real thing. They are also filthy. Because I loved them so much. You know how when you’re a little kid, your mom won’t buy you white sneakers because you’ll get them dirty the first ten minutes of recess? And all kid shoes eventually end up filthy because apparently they spend all free time in dirt? And then you grow up a little, and your shoes don’t get so dirty anymore, so you buy white sneakers because now you run inside a gym where dirt is sought out and eliminated because it causes things like MRSA. We all know what I’m talking about. Except these ballet flats look like I spend a lot of time on playgrounds. But they were only like $15 so I really don’t mind buying new ones. And then I can wear my other ones on the playground for REAL, perhaps.

ONLY PROBLEM IS, THEY NO LONGER SELL THEM.

I.am.devastated. To the point that I actually wrote Target a letter, begging whatever customer service representative receives it to pleeeeeeeeeeease restock them. I really hope they listen. Funny thing is, I remember when I bought them I was like,

FIFTEEN DOLLARS? For these shoes I already love so much and I am just in the store? I WILL GLADLY PAY THAT. And then this little voice inside me said, Emily, maybe you should get another pair. Maybe….you should get….five other pairs.

But I ignored it.

Moral of the story: When you like what you like, you should definitely buy in bulk.

Oh, also, here is a picture of my beloved flats. THEY LOOK PRETTIER IN PERSON. (Well, mine don’t now. Because of the filth. But they did once. Also, I really like parentheses this post, eh?)

...Li...brary

I love the way books smell. Old books and new books. I am not sure how I feel about middle-aged books. Also not sure if a book can ever be middle aged. I think they just go from new to old. I was thinking this today in the library. Maybe if I never decide what I want to be I will be a librarian. A children's librarian. Who wears a funny hat during story time. And does all the voices. I think I'll probably bake cupcakes too. Oh, my alternate life as a children's librarian. The things I coulda been.

When I get a call about an audition it is SO REFRESHING. I literally feel like screaming out the window, "OH MY GOD, SOMEONE WANTS ME!! It's a BEAUTIFUL WORLD." It's amazing how quickly my mood can change when I get good news. Also works the opposite way. The lows are low, but oh, the highs are extraordinary

I feel really lame when I use the word extraordinary in earnest for some reason.

This post apparently has a theme as I feel the need to write about the library again. I was walking through it today and looking at all the new books, fiction and non, and then all the dvds, and the cds and the books on cd, and the children's books, and the newspapers in all these different languages and I felt so incredibly overwhelmed and fascinated all at once. Perhaps I was overwhelmed with fascination? Nope, they were two distinct feelings. But I know I can never know everything! I don't have time! Or patience! Also I forget some percentage of things I read...not sure exactly what it is, but it's surely significant. It made me wish future me could follow me around, maybe floating behind me saying things like, "Don't even bother with that one!" and "You won't regret it!" and "This one is MAGICAL!" But I just have to rely on book jackets...and reviews...and recommendations. I guess I will have to be okay with that.

Anyway, it reminded me of this quote in Anne of Green Gables, which is something I read that I will NEVER forget because I read them all about 20 times each. No exaggeration there. Here it is.

"Isn't it splendid to think of all the things there are to find out about? It just makes me feel glad to be alive--it's such an interesting world. It wouldn't be half so interesting if we know all about everything, would it? There'd be no scope for imagination then, would there?"
- Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

I was just thinking…

Sooooo it’s been a while since I updated…OOOPSIES! I will try not to let so much time pass again. I actually wrote a few and then never posted them. OOPSIES! again. I actually am not very sorry, only I like to look back on my blogging exploits years after. I had an “open diary” when I was like 14, but that website got hacked and everyone’s stuff was deleted, apparently? WHICH IS TOO BAD. I actually had a xanga, and a missingapiece as well…I’m trying to find them all so I can pick out some choice quotes to post here so my younger self can remind my present self of how wise I once was. But it’s difficult, because I’m having trouble remembering my usernames/passwords. Younger me probably didn’t think older me would forget! Because my password hints are always these weird little clues that I know at the time I must have thought duh! of course I’ll remember this inside joke I had with…myself. but I do not.

Okay so I went back to try and find them and it was a little impossible. I did, however, remember one. Also some of the others were deleted. I did find some interesting old emails, though. Anyway, reading over the old entries I realized I’ve lost a sense of hyper activeness that I once had. In comparison, I’m pretty calm now. OMG WTF MATE DID I GROW UP? It’s also a bunch of entries from when I was choosing colleges and thinking about leaving things behind and whatnot so I am certainly reflective in that depressing way that only a 17 year old can be.

“I haven't been aware of it, but slowly my life has been falling into my own hands, bit by bit.  I'm not altogether sure I'm comfortable.”

“It's so difficult to make and renew and keep connections as you age.  So far that's what I've learned.”

I still want to be a princess, I still love chocolate and cheese and sparkly pretty things, and I’m still not exactly sure what I want. I wonder if these things will ever change.

“I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm running wild asking for an answer, questioning everyone and everywhere.  Mainly myself.  I find that I can no longer unhesitatingly furnish the answers that once came so easily.  It all comes down to one question really.  What do I want?  But within that one question there are sub questions and secondary questions and associate questions.  If that makes sense.”

Ohhhhh I was such a confused little soul. I can’t say I have regrets about my life thus far, but I would do some things differently if I could go back. Which, when people say that I always think to myself, “okay, that’s what regret is, but duh, no one wants to say they have regrets about their LIFE because that sounds so sad and probably makes the person who says that feel like a failure.” BUT. If I did do things differently I wouldn’t have learned from them. And I have learned a lot a lot.

You live, you learn. It’s a very comforting thing to say after bad things happen. This is a very reflective post…I think it’s because I’ve been missing a lot of things lately, or realizing that I’m going to miss them soon. And sometimes I get so down and inside the memories and remembering the feelings I had that I get sad. But I tried to think about it like this: I have lived a life to be missed. There are so many things I have loved in my life that I should feel lucky and blessed to even have so many things to miss. And hopefully so many things to come.

:)

PS - The title of this post is this song I used to listen to allllll the time when I was in high school.

She had so much potential.